10.........
9............
8.............
7..............
6.............
5..............
4.............
3................
2...............
1.......!!!
Start ...
Start..
Start it. !!!
Ok..
i am here now...What do i see...water.....its a lake ..or a pond.....its a beautiful lake/pond surrounded by dense trees...its circular in shape and the water is still..there is beautiful blue sky up there..it has patches of clouds here and there.....snow covered Mountains are visible faraway in the background.. ..there are dried fallen leaves scattered around the lake...the yellowish brownish dry leaves that give cracking sounds when you step on them..its seems like a sad scene..like the tradegy scene of a romantic movie.....
I become more aware of the surroundings ..they all give a combine effect of sadness..I wonder why is there so sadness here...who is sad....the moment I think of it, I notice a a kid sitting silently on the edge of the lake...a young kid ..age 9-12….with all the cutle lovely innocent kiddish features ..I notice he is sitting silently ..motionless...static....like a statue ...staring at the water.. buried in his thoughts…seems as if he is very sad... the scene makes me sad too..so i move to him..how ?? i dont know...is it a fly , is it a walk , a teleportation???.. i dont know..i dont care.....i just reach to him to be closer and to be noticed ...but its strange..he doesnt notice my arrival at all..or may be he doesnt seem to care...i dont know why..can he feel my presence??...I reach close to him to sit with him.....still he doesnt seem to be effected by my presence ...Why is he not being effected by me.. Its like as if he already knows of all that has to happen..he knows that i will come to sit with him...he was expecting it ..he is looking at the water..drowned in his own thoughts...No lift to me..:(...he is thinking of something important...I look at him closely now..and all of a sudden i realize who he is...how important he is...A name emerges in my mind...."Anahata!!!!"...Its a big suprise to see him in a physical form for the first time in my life...i wonder.....why a kid...why this shape...and how the hell I recognize him in this kid's body.
His sadness is puzzling me..I wonder why he is sad…I move closer to his body but I feel there is no warmth there..the meaning of the phrase ‘to give a cold shoulder' becomes clearer to me now..i dont feel him as a living body...the body is cold...its frozen…the kid is sad...i dont know why..what can be the reason....a vague idea appears in my mind...and stays...i concentrate and recall the history associated with it....slowly...gradually ...a scene appears in my mind....all of a sudden my memory takes my attention to a time in past....2002...back to my university.......the place that undoubtedly gets all the blame for starting it…I see the buildings ,the faculty , the roads ….people coming...people going... walking around me... i am acting natural .....normally... the way i used to be at that time..but thats all because i am the part of that ......actually its a simple replay... ..I browse the scenes by going through them..…one scene...second scene...third...the whole chain of events..they abruptly appear in front of me...i review all the days in a fraction of a second...time is not behaving the way it should...
I see it clearly now..i see the situatoin..the dilemma.. the confusion..and finally….the decision ..a very difficult decision...
the decision to sacrifice...
a sactifice for the higher being...
a sacrifice for my salvation...
The kid , Anahata, now turns his face towards me and stares me in the eyes....His sudden motion brings me back from my memories..back from Giki.....back to the lake ..in front of him.....i look at his face...his eyes..slightly wet with tears..my eyes..surprised....we are both staring each other......i know his sad eyes wont drop another droplet...he has cried enough...and he wont cry any more...His face remains silent for a while ..then I see his lips moving..a word comes out...
"Why?"...
His method and tone of speech both tell me that he has spoken all he will ever speak to me...there is no more to convey......one word has delivered it all..…
Thoughts appear in my mind….i try to organize them so that i may find Words ..but there are all confusing..randomly appearing , one after one ..each one cancelling the other one and each one trying to give birth to words before dying....i dont know how to use them….which one to pick ..which one to drop..i dont know how to convey them to the kid...i dont know wether he will understand me...i feel i am having loss of thoughts.. not only loss of words...but also loss of thoughts....this is not going to be like any other normal conversation...cause , i cant talk to him using logic...he doesnt believe in logic...i cant talk about the orders of the higher being..he does not believe in that either ..so i am speechless….. i dont know what to say... All i know is that i am sorry...that i am ashamed...that i want him to forgive me..
I hear a muffled sound...some appologetic words...a voice coming from far away...who said these words...was it me...who else..there is no one else around..the kid wont speak now…so it cant be his words..logic tells me that if words were heard here in this jungle and if the kid has not spoken anything and if there is no body other than me and the kid here ..then it implies that they were my words...so i concentrate on the words and once i do , the contents assure me that they were indeed born by one of my thoughts....
"it was necessary..i had to use logic...i had to sacrifice......there was no other option.."
i hear these words..my own words ..ironically , they appear as excuses.. weak and lame excuses…...even though i am being true ...even though i am being honest..i don’t understand why am I feeling like this...if i cant believe the truth myself..how can i make this kid believe in it......i am confused...a moment passes...another passes...i get some more random thoughts....i feel my thoughts are in resonance with the kid's thoughts… cause somehow , somway , i am understanding what he wants to tell me....Is he transfering his thoughts to me??....how?? i dont know...he is asking me if i am satisified...I am dead sure that it was his thought inside my head..i am amazed..This is a very new type of converstation..it has never happened to me before ...yet i feel quite familiar with it...
I start concentrating on his thoughts... he seems worried about me..so he is asking me if i am satisified... but hey!! his new thoughts are different....his news thoughts ....that tell me he doesn’t care for the answer....how rude..he just wants me to know that he is not happy..and that he is not satisfied.....he is sad for a long time...all these years...he was sad... he was angry.. he was living with a pain..
I feel a need to do something to comfort him..all can be rectified with a gentle touch and a light hug…i must give him a jadoo ki chapphi...so I try to press his shoulder with my hand..with my arm..and i realize something for the first time...its shocks me...i have no fingers....there is no hand...there is no arm...there is no me..i am not there...i get confused ...how am i not there...what is this all.....???????
The kid transfers new thoughts to me...his thoughts tell me that I am present there..but in a different way..as i am the scene..i am the lake.. i am the enviroment..i am the jungle...i am the time..i am everything... my confusion increases...it doubles..it triples..if i am the jungle, if i am the lake, if i am everything...why am i not able to help the kid...why cant i effect him.. why cant i make him happy. why is he so strong..why is he powerful ...why am i scared of him..
..i get another stream of thoughts...... again .. these are his thoughts...i can hear his words inside me.....the angry remarks....frustrated thoughts....complaining thoughts....
"Sameer!! you are different..and you are so idiot that you keep us in different slots..you dont know that we both go side by side...you can not give more importance to one of us...See what have you done to me...You have made me sad...and there is no way back now...you made the sacrifice..you listened to the logic and not me..so now get lost and keep worshipping your logic...get lost and keep worshipping your higher being...you wont ever have me...i am gone...i wont listen to you..you have lost it all..i am never coming back"....His words or thoughts end..but they seem echoing for a while.....when the echo dies, the environment becomes more silent than ever...I feel a cold chill..some strange vibrations....i feel as if my whole body is shaking...the lake is shaking....the trees are shaking..i am shaking...its the effect of his words on me...He has caused a ripple of disturbance in my whole existance..i am afraid of this kid...this little powerful kid..I am scared of his anger..I am scared of his attitude...why is he so angry..why wont he listen to me...i cant lose to him..But above all, i can not lose him ...i cant afford to....Now that i have lost logic..now that i have lost the higher being...i have got nothing else to count on..he is my last hope....He is my Anahata..
He keeps staring me in the eyes...as attempting to read my mind…I wonder why he is doing so...He already knows what ever happens inside me.. yet he looks at me with those eyes that seem to belong to a stranger...that peneterating gaze..…His sadness...his anger...all visible there ..in his flaming eyes.....In his same silent pose he transmits another thought...... He tells me that he is satisfied to know that i have lost the other things as well...He is satisfied to know that i have seen the effect of disturbing the balance..Oh!! so he has read my mind..It appears that now his sad face wears a triumphant smile...
..I begin to lose it all.. i start getting defocused..its time for me to go...my meeting is ending...he will fade in a while...everthing will disappear..i must do something..quickly..i dont have much time..so i shout
"I am really sorry!!!!....Please forgive me.!!!....please...dont be sad..please..!!"
but as expected , there is no instant reply ..He simply stares..with those cold empty eyes...He seems quite expert in the art of torturing through silence..i feel frustrated...i dont know wether he will wait for my next vist or not...i dont even know wheter he will like to meet me again or not.. and i dont know wether i will be able to recognize him the next time..but no! i can recognize him in all shapes..in all disguises...Afterall , he is my Anahata..
I begin to emerge out to reality but i feel a message coming in…I try to remain in there just to receive it all completely....A few thoughts shout inside my mental chamber...they have anger..they have despise...they have hate...
"you there...you listen to me..and you better listen to me clearly.... i will remain sad , no matter what...i will keep mourning ,no matter what....so go and die...you have distrubed everything..and you cant have me back...never ever ever !!!!!..I will never come back ……."..The thought dies...
I lose the track of it as my conscious breaks its last connection to that place...I appear back ..back to the real world...back on my seat..back in my room...back to the comfort of my split air conditioner and the dim light of my salt lamp.. feeling shocked... surprised... amazed..... …wondering!!..what was it all??...what was this meeting??...i remain still and empty headed for a while..
I remain silent...My brain is empty ... Its resting....as if it is tired now...
Its a complete silence in there.. No thoughts , No ideas... Just silence..
Then the logic appears...it comes...and starts its job... the analysis....it starts analyzing the whole scene...Was it really him?...was it really him?..why in this shape?...Why in that jungle?..why did he meet me?....what does he want?.... It (logic) continues its search...it keeps diving into all kinds of analysing algorithms that i have developed over time...
I let it do its work...I let it remain in its hardship...Its its (logic's) job to analyse things for me...though now most of the time i dont trust it as much as i used to...
After taking its time, it (logic) comes up with something... the first answer... On my attention, it starts telling me...."Why a kid??...Oh!! ..You are watching too much Naruto these days ...so he appeared to you in the shape of a kid to maximize his effect on you...He wants something to tell you and he wants to have his full impact on you"..."yeah!! right...it seems thats true.He was even behaving like Naruto..And oh i do remember the scenes in the anime where they show naruto sitting sad alone and sad."The logic seems happy to know that i have accepted its first explaination ...seems its still trying to win my long lost trust in it...so it goes on to provide me another anology.... "Your fourth dimension has evolved into a garden...something like a jungle...he just simply evolved it into a jungle and gave a sad touch to it.."....i feel a bit proud of my logic....."yeah..thats right too..that s why he called me that you are the jungle and you are everything...it was reallly my 4D........ok..now tell me what he wants..why did he meet me"..
At this , My logic goes dead...
it remains dead...
The previous things that it told me were both simple..simple anologies....some very simple references to my short term memory...so i wont be very impressed in its(logic's) success in finding those trivial comparisons..
The real question is now...The main problem...that has now made it go dead...
Time is passing....and it is dead....
but i know ...deep down it is doing its job...
its working....
sometime later....I feel it coming back......... emerging from the deepest areas of my mind....seems it was extremely busy looking into some very complex analysing algorithms ... and it seems it found something...and now It is hopeful that its good job will be rewarded with my trust again .....
I draw my attention to it...to see its findings...
The answer that it gives me fills with some strange feelings...The answer echoes in my mind for a while....
Sameer!!!...He wants to resolve this...
Shocked.....!!!! ........i get my moment of epiphany.....!!!
